This is where the healing begins...

Walk....

Mon, 08 Apr 2013 11:41:37 -0400

As she trembles in this place, earth shattering events keep holding her down.It’s almost as if she has huge metal chains around her ankles. They’re heavy. They’re gross.They arent cute, not one bit. But..she think they’ll save her from the storm. She hears that voice. It’s a peaceful and intriguing whisper,”Walk…” She knows that sitting here isnt getting her anywhere. She has this deep deep desire to be free of the chains holding her down, but she’s scared. Where is she supposed to walk? How can she let go of what is comfortable, what is safe, what is fun, what is all that she knows. How can she walk in the light? You see light is illuminated, you see light is real, more real than darkness, and in a way it’s scary as hell. Walking in the light means letting go of the dark because as it turns out they dont work together. So she can sit surrounded by darkness, fear, and unfulfilling pleasures, or she can get the HELL up and walk in the light of his beauty. In the light of truth. In the light of what HE has for her. Fearlessly. Without looking back.

Photo

Wed, 27 Feb 2013 14:26:16 -0500

Redemption is being washed by rushing waves.

Wed, 27 Feb 2013 14:25:00 -0500

“For He has rescued us from the dominion of darkness and brought us into the kingdom of the Son he loves, In whom we have Redemption, the forgiveness of sins.” - Colossians 1:13-14

What is redemption? What is forgiveness? My heart yearns to know forgiveness. my heart yearns to understand even the smallest amount of what His forgiveness means.

As I sit covered in mud gripping the Earth with every fiber of my being, I see the waves coming. I know those waves are huge, beautiful, and reckless. They have the ability to wash away every stain, every little piece of pain. But I grip the Earth, as if I could even stand against that rushing water, why do I grip it? Why do I fight being made new? Why do I think that being covered in mud is good?

Redemption is a beautiful process. A journey.It’s being made new daily in every opportunity, in every conversation, in every relationship, in every aspect of our being and human nature. If Redemption is forgiveness than forgiveness is more beautiful then just being forgiven. Forgiveness is a daily renewal. It’s a journey of making things beautiful. We are forgiven already. We just have to join in on the journey and forgive ourselves and watch as He makes absolute beauty out of dust and pain.

Live in Reality.

Wed, 06 Feb 2013 12:04:52 -0500

Growing up my reality was an absolute shit show. As a little girl, I escaped. I found a way to handle my reality by going to a different place. A place where I would be safe. A place where that feeling of complete hoplessness would go away. I daydreamed of happy places,and dreamed of the life I wanted to have. I could completely ignore the pain around me and laugh with joy. This escape was a gift, but if i dont learn to face reality I will miss something divine and beautiful right here and right now. Last year I woke up, I looked around at a disasterous, muddy, and dark reality. Facing that reality was the best thing that has ever happened to me because He met me there. In the pain, in the mess, in the hurt, He held me and whispered his deep intimate love into my ears. As I enter this next journey of my life, I know how to escape but i dont want to miss out on the reality he has for me. Yes, reality can be hard, but it’s good. As I face this season, I want to LIVE IN REALITY. In the reality of who I am. In the reality of what HE has for me here. In the reality that He can do infinetly more than I can ask or imagine right here in the right now.

“To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything and your heart will be wrung and possibly broken....

Mon, 26 Nov 2012 11:34:38 -0500

“To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything and your heart will be wrung and possibly broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact you must give it to no one, not even an animal. Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements. Lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket, safe, dark, motionless, airless, it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable. To love is to be vulnerable.”
-C.S. Lewis

Before I came here my heart was safe, I made sure it was and that it would stay that way. I wouldnt let myself care because if i cared i would get hurt. I got cold. I got numb,really, really numb. i couldnt even listen to a story without blocking it out. Emotional attachment didnt exist anymore. Little did i know that my savior is strong enough to break through the toughest and thickest of layers that covered and protected that beating organ. As i fought like hell to not let Him or any one else in, He had a bigger plan. And His powerful powerful hands cut through the ice cold way covering my heart, and I started to feel again. I cry with joy. I listen to stories. I care, but it’s healthy. I feel pain. I feel sadness, and sometimes i hate life, but it is all worth it. I love being alive and this is what that is about.

Gab@foco2013

Thu, 08 Nov 2012 18:56:16 -0500

“For He breaks down gates of bronze and cuts through bars of iron.”-Psalm 107:16

One of my favorites wrote this verse on a notecard like 4 years ago, and my Father made it real to me this semester. God is powerful. He is control. which would be real scary if He didnt love me. He has the power to provide for me, and He is gonna give me what is best, and sometimes we have no idea what that is. I never would of thought Colorado State University was, but this isnt a step down. It’s the best because my Father only gives me what is best!! I’ve never been more excited for my future!!! This next step in my journey is gonna be just as exciting as all the rest! Fort Collins. Imma comin!

conquering the lies that tell us we arent good enough.

Sun, 04 Nov 2012 17:53:41 -0500

Today, I conquered the lies. Today, as I ran 3.1 miles with out stopping, I told myself I was beautiful. I told my self I could keep going, but most importantly I listened to HIM tell me how much He loved me. He told me we were doing it together. He didnt leave me.As I wanted to give up, He whispered in my ear, “Gabby, It’s me and you. We got this”.

Im Learning...

Wed, 17 Oct 2012 15:05:00 -0400

Im Learning to breathe.

Im learning to run up highways by branson billboards, around baseball fields, by running streams of water, and through the beautiful fall forests of Missouri.

Im learning that God is colorful, and that’s why the trees are so beautiful here.

Im learning to jump into life, out of bed, and into puddles.

Im learning about Peace. The Greek is translated into quietness and rest. It’s that moment when you’re tummy is in knots and all of a sudden He takes that feeling away and holds you. Peace is comfort when our tummies are all jumbled up into a hot mess of spaghetti.

Im learning Trust means that you dont know what the hell is gonna happen next, but you know He loves you and has something great waiting ahead.

Ripping off the paper chains and running to Him.

Wed, 03 Oct 2012 14:29:37 -0400

It’s almost scary how one thing can have such a hold on us. I had a moment today. As i walked down the trail at the park. It was one of those ,”Oh shit, my life sucks, it’s the end of the world, what am i doing here moments” I had just got off the phone with my sister, and that’s usually what happens. sadly. But the minute i started to go there , something happened inside of me. I decided to fight back because life. is. beautiful. Jesus is GOOD. He loves me, and He isnt going to let me drown. I’ve had some bad days. I can continue having bad days, or i can run to his feet and let Him see my heart. Let Him see I’m scared, I’m broken, I’m empty. It’s crazy how i think food has a hold of me. I sit there stuffing my face as if i have these huge metal chains around my ankles, but the truth is the chains are made of paper. I am not held captive to food. I can easily step out of those chains and run to Him.

Letting my self see the trees and smell the pumpkin this fall.

Wed, 19 Sep 2012 14:10:43 -0400

The smell of pumpkin and the beautiful colors of fall are my favorite. Not a lot of people know that about me because it goes completely against my whole heartless act I’ve been playing. I would be so weak if I liked pumpkin and trees right?. The smell of pumpkin and fall remind me of my childhood, and if i let myself go there that reminds me of my mom. It reminds me of the good in her I still remember. You see if Im honest with myself, I actually miss her. I actually miss a lot of things…

I have a heart. I care so much. I can feel again. It’s been a slow process, but oh man was I wrong. I fought like hell and told myself i I was heartless and numb that Nothing would ever hurt me again. i was gonna be strong. Being strong sucks!!! I wanna cry. i wanna laugh. i wanna know what love feels like. if i protect myself from hurt by putting up walls and blocking everyone out, i will miss out on what He has for me. So as I fought like hell not to feel, He got me. He grabbed my cheeks and looked me right in the eyes. I fiercely turned away not letting myself look Him in the eye. He softly pulled my face towards His and overwhelmed me with His overbearing love. His touch noone can run away from.As His fiery eyes starred into mine, He spoke softly, “Gabby, no matter how hard you try to tell yourself I dont, I love you so much. I would do anything for you.”I cant keep running. I wanna sit in His warm embrace. This fall I wanna smell pumpkin spices and warmth through His love. He’s here and He’s holding me!! AND I think i might just let myself enjoy it.

Vulnerabilty

Thu, 06 Sep 2012 16:26:41 -0400

I dont know if I have ever been this vulnerable. I dont think I’ve ever sat at a Panera this long without calling someone to rescue me. It’s so funny how the Lord works. It’s been almost two full days. Im doing ok. Im breathing haha. I still havent been able to put food in the fridge, but I think i will conquer that today. I thought I knew what “Desperately Dependent” meant. Nope! He’s gonna show me haha. Im fighting numbness. Im letting Him in. This is gonna be good. Really good. Ok Wal-Mart, Im comin for your ass!

letting go of comfortable places to inherit beautiful ones!

Fri, 31 Aug 2012 12:37:15 -0400

i want to hold on to my past. I want to sit in comfortable places I’ve made for myself.I want to make sure I dont ever ever feel pain again. I made a vow a long long time ago making sure I wouldnt let myself be weak. I built up walls that made it impossible to break my stone heart. This summer, I was thawed, awakened and introduced to this tender- raw side I hid away. So as much as i know it would be so much easier to sit in those little places of comfort i made, I know that if i sat in them I’d miss out on a world thats majestic and full of His beauty. Frankly I cant miss out. I want Him. I want LIfe. I want Freedom. On monday morning i will get in the car and drive. This time I’m not looking back. Im letting go of so much and I’m so scared I’ll never get them back. Maybe i wont. Maybe what He has is better.A part of my heart will always be in C-Springs. My family is here. My past is here. I learned to love here. I learned to breathe here, but i need to breathe somewhere else for now. Good bye Colorado; Im jumping. Branson ,Missouri here I come.

I wanna be BRAVE. I wanna be BOLD. I wanna be like her.

Mon, 20 Aug 2012 17:37:20 -0400

Imagine the butterflies that must of been stirring in her tummy. Imagine the all consuming fear she had to overcome to make it through the crowd that day. Imagine the scowlers. Imagine the pain she had to swim through to get there. She had been bleeding uncontrollably for years. She was an outcast. She was hated. She was made fun of. She couldn’t even be touched. Imagine the shame she must of felt. The most miraculous part of this story though, is her boldness, her bravery, her fearless pursuit of healing. Even though it was scary, even though it was hard, she spotted Him from a far. She held her head up high, put on her brave face and walked to Him. She fought for truth. She touched Him. She came to Him with all of her insecurities, and she touched Him. You see that’s where the healing begins. Healing starts when we give it to Him. When we sacrafice our fears and insecurities in order to be vulnerable with our savior. He just wants us to let Him in. He just wants us to grab his robe, and He will do the rest. I can’t wait until the day I touch Him and he responds,” Daughter, your faith has healed you. Go in peace.” Damn! that peace is gonna be unquenchable.

What the Hell happened to Compassion!

Fri, 18 May 2012 11:11:08 -0400

Just because the world is “broken” doesnt mean it’s ok. Unfortunately the shitty situations in life have become the “norms” but that doesnt mean we should just let them happen. We should fight with Love. We should care. We should not just preach His name. We are his body. We need to use it. His arms, His feet, and every other part of HIM. We need to care. We were created to make a difference in this world. So do it! We need to stop standing by and watching horrible things happen. SERIOUSLY

Baby BIrd,How I envy you.

Tue, 15 May 2012 00:21:41 -0400

Today as I stared out the window at work, I saw a baby bird. I looked at that bird ,and I was overcome with jealousy. I am so jealous of that damn bird. It’s so free, so careless, and so small. It has the ability to be vulnerable and isnt scared of anything at all. I want to be like that. I want to fly. I want to be free. I want to know who I am. I want to go wherever the wind blows me and be ok with it. I want to be just like that baby bird.

Lord, I need you. I need you. I need you. I.AM. Broken. Among so many things I’ve learned this...

Sun, 13 May 2012 01:12:07 -0400

Lord, I need you. I need you. I need you. I.AM. Broken. Among so many things I’ve learned this year, I’ve learned how hungry I am. My soul is broken, and starving to be overcome by your presence.

Photo

Sun, 13 May 2012 01:01:00 -0400

Thu, 03 May 2012 22:39:58 -0400

I. Hate. Food.

Thu, 03 May 2012 22:39:00 -0400

“The reality is that fat people are often supported in hating their bodies, in starving themselves, in engaging in unsafe exercise, and in seeking out weight loss by any means necessary. A thin person who does these things is considered mentally ill. A fat person who does these things is redeemed by them. This is why our culture has no concept of a fat person who also has an eating disorder. If you’re fat, it’s not an eating disorder — it’s a lifestyle change.-http://www.xojane.com/issues/cookies-arent-eating-food-hoarding-eating-disorders-and-me

Today I binged. I dont usually call it that. Normally, I would just say that I fucked up. I have recently come to a realization that I have a disorder. Yes, I am a fat girl with an eating disorder. Does that even make sense? the stereotype of girls with eating disorders are skin and bones, throwing up, starvation, hospitals, etc. Yeah my disorder looks different, but it is a disorder.

My war with food began when I was in 3rd grade. I remember looking at my thigh in my shorts and hating how fat it was. I remember starving myself in 5th grade. I would do everything in my power to starve until dinner and then i would only eat grilled chicken. I can never in my life remember a time where I was ok with my body. I would always go on crash diets until i couldnt do it anymore. at that point i would find as much food as i could and stuff it into my body until my stomach hurt so bad i was almost in tears. This cycle has been going on for my entire life.

By the Grace of God I was diagnosed with Diabetes this year. Finally, i had to make a change or I would literally kill myself. Ive lost 30 pound, but recently it has gotten a lot harder. When the scale goes up even when im working my ass off to make it go down, I get discouraged and pig out. I’ve been in a rut for the past 2 days and it’s hard to get out. I feel super sick. Why does food have to make me feel this way. I’m either empty or so full i wanna die.

I love the smell of lilac trees as I ride my bike through the neighborhood. I love getting lost in...

Wed, 02 May 2012 20:45:06 -0400

I love the smell of lilac trees as I ride my bike through the neighborhood.

I love getting lost in T.V. shows because I dont have to face reality for a while.

I love sleeping. I love how it makes me feel.

I cherish the little moments of pure laughter. (They come in rare traces lately)

I love clothes. (if only i could afford them haha)

I love my friends their presence always helps.

I love the hope i have for next year. A chance to start over, but first i have to climb through my mess.