School got out and I immediately started to feel. I started to feel everything I tried to numb myself from. I hate when the emotions come on like an earth quake and you have no way of taking shelter. I started to miss her more and more each day, until it was almost unbearable. I needed more. I needed to breathe again. I couldnt start hurting myself like that again, even though the idea haunted me….
I was at home, and I felt so alone. Why was I here? Why did I have to feel the lonliness…?
Then, I started my job at the therapeutic rec program working with teens with disabilities. Ive never felt a fire in my heart like that before. I literally went from dead and broken to excited and in love with life with those kids, and with who God set me out to be. The laughter on my face everyday was genuine for the first time in my entire life. At the end of the summer when the kids would make me scream,”Granny Smith Apples” at the top of my lungs with a country accent. I knew it. I knew that they had saved me. In more ways that I could ever imagine.
As she trembles in this place, earth shattering events keep holding her down.It’s almost as if she has huge metal chains around her ankles. They’re heavy. They’re gross.They arent cute, not one bit. But..she think they’ll save her from the storm. She hears that voice. It’s a peaceful and intriguing whisper,”Walk…” She knows that sitting here isnt getting her anywhere. She has this deep deep desire to be free of the chains holding her down, but she’s scared. Where is she supposed to walk? How can she let go of what is comfortable, what is safe, what is fun, what is all that she knows. How can she walk in the light? You see light is illuminated, you see light is real, more real than darkness, and in a way it’s scary as hell. Walking in the light means letting go of the dark because as it turns out they dont work together. So she can sit surrounded by darkness, fear, and unfulfilling pleasures, or she can get the HELL up and walk in the light of his beauty. In the light of truth. In the light of what HE has for her. Fearlessly. Without looking back.
"For He has rescued us from the dominion of darkness and brought us into the kingdom of the Son he loves, In whom we have Redemption, the forgiveness of sins.” - Colossians 1:13-14
What is redemption? What is forgiveness? My heart yearns to know forgiveness. my heart yearns to understand even the smallest amount of what His forgiveness means.
As I sit covered in mud gripping the Earth with every fiber of my being, I see the waves coming. I know those waves are huge, beautiful, and reckless. They have the ability to wash away every stain, every little piece of pain. But I grip the Earth, as if I could even stand against that rushing water, why do I grip it? Why do I fight being made new? Why do I think that being covered in mud is good?
Redemption is a beautiful process. A journey.It’s being made new daily in every opportunity, in every conversation, in every relationship, in every aspect of our being and human nature. If Redemption is forgiveness than forgiveness is more beautiful then just being forgiven. Forgiveness is a daily renewal. It’s a journey of making things beautiful. We are forgiven already. We just have to join in on the journey and forgive ourselves and watch as He makes absolute beauty out of dust and pain.
Growing up my reality was an absolute shit show. As a little girl, I escaped. I found a way to handle my reality by going to a different place. A place where I would be safe. A place where that feeling of complete hoplessness would go away. I daydreamed of happy places,and dreamed of the life I wanted to have. I could completely ignore the pain around me and laugh with joy. This escape was a gift, but if i dont learn to face reality I will miss something divine and beautiful right here and right now. Last year I woke up, I looked around at a disasterous, muddy, and dark reality. Facing that reality was the best thing that has ever happened to me because He met me there. In the pain, in the mess, in the hurt, He held me and whispered his deep intimate love into my ears. As I enter this next journey of my life, I know how to escape but i dont want to miss out on the reality he has for me. Yes, reality can be hard, but it’s good. As I face this season, I want to LIVE IN REALITY. In the reality of who I am. In the reality of what HE has for me here. In the reality that He can do infinetly more than I can ask or imagine right here in the right now.
“To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything and your heart will be wrung and possibly broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact you must give it to no one, not even an animal. Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements. Lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket, safe, dark, motionless, airless, it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable. To love is to be vulnerable.”
Before I came here my heart was safe, I made sure it was and that it would stay that way. I wouldnt let myself care because if i cared i would get hurt. I got cold. I got numb,really, really numb. i couldnt even listen to a story without blocking it out. Emotional attachment didnt exist anymore. Little did i know that my savior is strong enough to break through the toughest and thickest of layers that covered and protected that beating organ. As i fought like hell to not let Him or any one else in, He had a bigger plan. And His powerful powerful hands cut through the ice cold way covering my heart, and I started to feel again. I cry with joy. I listen to stories. I care, but it’s healthy. I feel pain. I feel sadness, and sometimes i hate life, but it is all worth it. I love being alive and this is what that is about.
"For He breaks down gates of bronze and cuts through bars of iron."-Psalm 107:16
One of my favorites wrote this verse on a notecard like 4 years ago, and my Father made it real to me this semester. God is powerful. He is control. which would be real scary if He didnt love me. He has the power to provide for me, and He is gonna give me what is best, and sometimes we have no idea what that is. I never would of thought Colorado State University was, but this isnt a step down. It’s the best because my Father only gives me what is best!! I’ve never been more excited for my future!!! This next step in my journey is gonna be just as exciting as all the rest! Fort Collins. Imma comin!
Today, I conquered the lies. Today, as I ran 3.1 miles with out stopping, I told myself I was beautiful. I told my self I could keep going, but most importantly I listened to HIM tell me how much He loved me. He told me we were doing it together. He didnt leave me.As I wanted to give up, He whispered in my ear, “Gabby, It’s me and you. We got this”.
Im Learning to breathe.
Im learning to run up highways by branson billboards, around baseball fields, by running streams of water, and through the beautiful fall forests of Missouri.
Im learning that God is colorful, and that’s why the trees are so beautiful here.
Im learning to jump into life, out of bed, and into puddles.
Im learning about Peace. The Greek is translated into quietness and rest. It’s that moment when you’re tummy is in knots and all of a sudden He takes that feeling away and holds you. Peace is comfort when our tummies are all jumbled up into a hot mess of spaghetti.
Im learning Trust means that you dont know what the hell is gonna happen next, but you know He loves you and has something great waiting ahead.
It’s almost scary how one thing can have such a hold on us. I had a moment today. As i walked down the trail at the park. It was one of those ,”Oh shit, my life sucks, it’s the end of the world, what am i doing here moments” I had just got off the phone with my sister, and that’s usually what happens. sadly. But the minute i started to go there , something happened inside of me. I decided to fight back because life. is. beautiful. Jesus is GOOD. He loves me, and He isnt going to let me drown. I’ve had some bad days. I can continue having bad days, or i can run to his feet and let Him see my heart. Let Him see I’m scared, I’m broken, I’m empty. It’s crazy how i think food has a hold of me. I sit there stuffing my face as if i have these huge metal chains around my ankles, but the truth is the chains are made of paper. I am not held captive to food. I can easily step out of those chains and run to Him.